my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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