god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
