I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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