dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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