I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
