So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
