I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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