The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
