So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
