I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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