On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
