guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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