I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
