I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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