I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
