oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
