the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
