You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
