Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
