I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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