and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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