I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
