they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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