all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
