Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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