he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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