Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
