For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
