Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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