Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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