I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
