I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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