my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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