You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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