yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
