she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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