so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
