if i can run in heels then i can drive
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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