We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
