there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
