just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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