I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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