I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I love you. Go after that dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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