I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Who died my cat blue again?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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