He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
