As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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