I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
