Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
