The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
