I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
