no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
