Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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