it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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