just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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