is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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