too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
